I was ready to find work. To make money and be able to send it back to my family and be able to fill in my dad's shoes. As we made our way to my uncles house I looked out to the city of angels. The buildings towered over me, and I have never felt so small in my life. I looked out to the never ending road adorned by never ending cars, people, and homes. This city was so infinite to my eyes that have only seen the same people, roads, cattle, and families my entire life. The world suddenly felt so big and too much for my small hands. Was I scared? Terrified? Intimidated? I don't know, all I know is that my heart was telling me that if filling in my dad's shoes felt like an enormous job before, it now felt like an easy task that I kept pushing to the side.
The truck comes to a stop and pulls me out of my thoughts as I look around. A bunch of condominiums are surrounding us and I mindlessly follow my uncle and Javier to the red outlined cream condo. As we settle in my uncles wife comes out of their room and makes her way into the living room with us. I had never met her before so I immediately fix myself up the best that I can because, well you know, first impressions right? Well the intention didn't do much because all she did was look at us, give us a quick tight smile, and walk into the kitchen. A little uncomfortable, but not a big deal I guess. For the rest of the evening we showered, changed into some sweats, had dinner, and talked about working and job possibilities. I asked my uncle if I could borrow $5 to call my mom and let her know I was okay and made it safely to my uncles house. He said yes and walked to the 7/11 down the street with me. It was weird, the scenery I mean, the cars rushed to passed us and I never felt so unseen and unknown in my life. I was so used to saying "hi" and "bye" to everyone I walked by on a daily basis, knowing their names, their families, their stories. But now hundreds, and thousands of people drove by me on a daily basis and didn't even know I was there. At least the breeze was similar to how it was back home, I don't know why I thought it would be different, but deep down I was scared everything would completely different than how I have always known my life to be.
When we got back home I scraped off the protective seal that hid the pin number and dialed my home number. I was scared they wouldn't answer in all honestly. I was just scared in general. I've never been one to be scared of things I couldn't control, but I was. The dial tone cut off and for a split second there was a deafening silence.
"Honey? Is it you?" my moms voice broke the silence and I immediately felt a weight fall off my shoulders.
"Yeah, hey. How are you guys?" I swallow down the knot in my throat. " I was just calling to let you know that I made it over fine and I'm with my uncle Jorge now."
She takes a deep breath before replying and I can feel a sad smile adorn her face, "We're good. I took Veronica to go shopping yesterday with the money you left us. Sandra is still upset that you left the way you did, but you know how she is. She'll come around and understand your intentions. I know I did."
"I just hope you guys know that I'm doing this for you guys. I don't think I'll be here longer than a year. I just want to work and save up money and buy that radio my dad and I always talked about getting one day..." I stare at the ceiling and the three beep warning goes off.
"Times almost up huh?" My mom chuckles.
I force a laugh wishing I had more time and well, money to call for a longer time, "Yeah, my uncle only had $5 so it was the card we were able to get."
"Okay, well, take care of yourself. Please be careful and make sure you can find a job with Javier or your uncle so you're not alone with people you don't know. I'll try to call as often as I can so you don't spend your money on call cards." She says in a rushed breath making sure she tells me all of this before the call cuts off.
"Okay mom," I mumble as the realization sets in, "I'll try to call you guys as much as I can. Tell Maria I'm okay."
"Okay honey, I will. She's really confused on you not being here so we're trying to explain it to her." She sighs, "Okay, let me give you my blessing before I go so you can find work tomorrow." I close my eyes and picture her doing the sign of the cross in front of me as she starts the prayer, " In the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit..." automatically my hand does the sign of the cross over my body, "dulce madre no te alejes tu vista de el no apartes, ve con el a todas partes y solo nunca me lo dejes" (sweet mother do not turn away your eyes from him do not turn away from him, go with him everywhere)" ... The line cuts off and I can feel my eyes filling up with tears.
I manage to get myself under control and walk out to the living room to give my uncle his phone back. "Hey son! How was the call?" I swallow down he knot in my throat, I didn't think I would be this homesick.
"It was good" I manage, "It was cut short but once I start working and saving money I'll be able to buy longer call times I hope" I mumble quietly. "Speaking of that, when do we start working? Or how is this going to work?"
My uncle puts down his cup of coffee and sighs. "There's been a change of plans for you kiddo" he looks up at me and holds my gaze. "The job that I had lined up for you, well ICE hit them this morning and I just found out right now. So I think you won't be able to work until they're off the radar with ICE. So maybe 2 weeks? Can you hold on for that long?" I look over at Javier and look back at my uncle.
"Just two weeks right?" I feel uneasy asking this, I came to work and now I can't even start work for another two weeks?
"Just two weeks" my uncle repeats to me.
"Uhm, okay yeah. Just two weeks." I repeat, not so much to my uncle, but to myself in order to calm my nerves down.
The next day I woke up to the sound of Javier and my uncle getting ready for work. I joined them for breakfast and silently followed them outside and watched them leave to work as I stayed behind. I hadn't felt this left behind since I was a kid. The same way I felt when my dad would take my older brother everywhere and would just tell me to wait at home until I was older, that's exactly how I felt.
For the rest of the day I stayed in my room and waited for them to come home. I was so bored and hungry, but I was too shy to go out into the kitchen and grab food for myself or ask my uncles wife if I could have anything to eat. So I just drank water all day and watched commercials in a language I didn't understand. The hours dragged by excruciatingly slow and the three naps I forced upon myself didn't seem to help my case at all. 7 pm finally came and I heard my uncles voice followed by Javier's voice walk in through the front door. I made my way out to the kitchen and ate with them without making it obvious that I've been starving for the past 12 hours. after dinner we went to the living room and I heard them talk about work. I never realized how much I liked to work until I was in a situation where I couldn't.
"Here son," my uncle said to me and handed me a twenty dollar bill, "I'll take care of you financially so you can call your mom on a daily basis until you can start work."
I looked at the bill in my hands and nodded quietly before heading out the door to buy another call card. I walked quietly to the 7/11 down the street and I felt so tired despite the three naps I took throughout the day. The air was chilly and the cars still drove by silently and swiftly. Day two of feeling invisible and nonexistent. When I finally made it to the gas station I looked at all the call cards. 30 minute for $5. 45 minutes for $10. 60 minutes for $15. 90 minutes for $20. I looked around the store and saw all the $1 snacks they had and decided that a $5 call card would be more than enough to let my mom know I would be working a lot for the next two weeks so I would try to call as often as I could but made no promises. Thankfully the guy at the register spoke Spanish and was able to tell me how many snacks I could get for $15.
I made my way to the house and thankfully my uncle and Javier were already asleep by the time I arrived. I put all the snacks and pocket sized cereal boxes in my bag that brought over with me. If I was smart about this I could make them last all week or until my uncle gave me another $10 or $20 dollars. I wanted to cry. I felt the knot in my throat grow more and more with every passing second. Jesus, what is wrong with me? It's only been maybe 3 days and I'm already falling apart. Maybe I wasn't the man I thought I was. Maybe I wasn't the man my father thought I was. I felt these thoughts flood my mind the way the sadness was flooding my being, and I never felt so small and alone in my life. I wallowed and silently cried for a while before I fell asleep and woke up again to my uncle and Javier getting ready and I joined them for breakfast again knowing I probably wouldn't eat a whole meal with them until dinner again.
This routine went on for longer than the two weeks that were expected. This routine ended up lasting for 4 months before I was able to finally find a job that would allow me to pay back my uncle for everything I've owed him since the transportation over the border. Knowing that I owed him around $400 dollars and went 4 months without working made me feel even more crushed than I already felt. When my first day of work finally rolled around my spirit started to come to life. Never in my life had I been so excited to wake up at 5 in the morning and go to work until 7 at night. I was so excited that the first week of work flew by just as quickly as my paycheck went to my uncle in order to pay him back the money I owed him, and for more snacks from 7/11. I established the routine of calling my mom every Sunday and Wednesday afternoons during my lunch because coning home from work had me dead asleep right after dinner. I was able to eventually pay back my uncle for all the money he had lent to me and the money used to cross me over.
Another five months flew by and I was able to save up enough to finally buy the radio that my dad and I always talked about. So that's what I did. On an early Saturday morning I took the bus to Downtown Los Angeles and managed to find a store that sold radios. I had $250 dollars, and I could already feel the weight of the box in my hands as I clasped the money in my pocket. I was surrounded by what seemed an endless sea of boomboxes. Finally, I saw her. There she was at the end of the third aisle. She was completely black with silver buttons, knobs, and a matching handle that was perfectly placed on top of her. This was the one. The one I saw back in Mexico with my dad the first time I ever went to the big city outside of our small town. I was 14 back then and I remember asking him if we would ever have one. I remember him staring through the glass window and quietly saying that one day we would have one in our living room and then our home would be always adorned with the lyrics of our favorite songs. He didn't get to see our home filled with music on a daily basis. He didn't get to bring the radio home and load his favorite CD in it for the first time. So I will. I'll take it home and I'll play his favorite CD so loud that even he will be able to listen to it, wherever he is. So I bought it and I took it home and I stared at it for a solid 30 minutes. Then I cried again. I cried of happiness because I was finally able to get the radio we always wanted to get. However I also cried because the reality sat in. I waited so long to buy this radio with my father and I had to do it alone. I cried until I was all cried out, went to bed, and without any memory, fell asleep.
My life eventually became the cycle I always swore I would never have. Wake up, breakfast, work, go home, dinner, shower, cry, sleep, repeat. Pay for my part of groceries every two weeks, $300 each time. Pay for rent at the beginning of the month because why would I live for free with my uncle? $600 every month. Paid him back for the crossing and for the first four months that I didn't work. that was two payments of $400. And when possible, send $150 to my mom every Friday to help with whatever she needed and hopefully save up. Finally, call my mom on Sundays and Wednesdays for 30 minutes each time, a total of one hour a week was dedicated to my mother. My whole life I grew up talking to her and being with her everyday and now I can only hear her voice for an hour a week. I was tired. I was so tired of being so alone and so sad. I was so tired of feeling like life wasn't worth living anymore. I was so tired of missing my family and knowing that my mom was out there alone with my siblings because I was supposed to take care of them yet by trying to help I abandoned them. I was so tired of missing my friends and letting life pass me by. Nobody told me to prepare for this part of the American life. I was ready to conquer my life and become the man I always promised my father I would be. I was ready to step up and be the man of the house. I was ready to get my life started and now I'm stuck in this repetitive hole that keeps swallowing me up and I wanted to go home. I wanted to go home so badly and sleep in my bed that my mom sleeps in every night because that's the only way she feels close to me now. I wanted to go home and eat my moms favorite dishes and have her nag at me to help her wash them afterwards. I wanted to go home and have my sisters follow me around the house telling me my friends are cute and to take them to the city so they could buy new clothes. I wanted to go home and see my friends and feel the fresh air on my hair and just breathe in the scent of being home.
It had now been a year since I was home. A year of not being with my friends and family. A year of dragging myself out of bed every morning with the feeling of not even wanting to exist anymore. A year of being the lowest I had ever been. A year of missing home. So I decided this year would never happen again. I put in my two weeks notice at work the next day and looked for bus passages back home. Javier and my uncle tried to keep me a little longer but I didn't have the energy to stay longer than I had too. Hell, I didn't even want to wait the two weeks. But I did, and I found a ticket for a ride on the exact day that would be my final day at work and I didn't have the $150 I needed to buy it. I had sent the rest of my savings to my mom already and paid the rent to my uncle. I mean, I didn't see a point in it since I would only be there for a week that month, but I didn't feel like fighting it, I just wanted to get out of there. Now I was stuck with no money to get home. Life had a sick way of playing these twisted jokes on me. Then I remembered my neighbor. He was this older man, super nice and easy going. He really liked the radio I bought to take back home. He told me he was looking for one just like that one but couldn't find one. So I stared at the radio. I stared at it long and hard and thought about how it was on of my many reasons to even be here in the first place. I thought about how I got it to uphold the pact my dad and I made when I was little. I thought about how much I wanted our home to be constantly filled with music with this radio. I thought about how this radio was the one thing I held on to all those nights when I felt torn apart. And now, I thought about how this radio would possibly be my ticket home. So I went over to my neighbors house and knocked.
"Pedro! How are you son?" He replied in his normal cheerful tone that matched his cheerful face.
I smiled back at him, not as happy as I wanted to, but the best that I could. "I'm doing good" I lied, "I wanted to see if you still wanted to take that radio off my hands?" He stared at me confused for a minute before he spoke.
"Are you sure? You just got it a couple months ago?" I swallowed back the knot in my throat.
"Yeah! Uhm, my mom got me a new one as a surprise and so I won't be needing this one." I looked away before somehow decided to call off the sale. I think he noticed that I was offering up my radio more for necessity than I was because I actually wanted to.
"Uh, yeah of course" He said in a hesitant tone. "Let me go in and get the money! is $200 okay?" I stared at him. That was more than enough for my flight and I would still have money left over to send to my mom.
"Yeah! That's perfect." I said. He walked into the house and I stared at the radio that I swore I would take back home with me. But I needed to be home, with or without the radio, I needed to be home.
"Alrighty, $200!" He said as he walked towards me. I took the money and gave him the radio, looking at it one last time.
"Thanks man! I hope you really like it, it works great!" I say as I walk away and fight the urge to turn around and take back the radio. I make my way into my uncles home and ask him to take me to buy a one way ticket home from Tijuana and a bus ticket to Tijuana. We buy them for tomorrow, and tomorrow couldn't come soon enough. I sent the change to my mom. $60 dollars. $600 pesos.
I didn't sleep a minute that night. I sat at the window all night and stared at the endless city that swallowed me whole everyday for the past year. I thought about the year that I spent without my family. I thought about how I came here to somehow prove to myself that I was a man and I wasn't sure if I even managed to do that for myself. I thought about how I didn't even let my fathers death process before I forced myself to face the world on my own. I thought about how I couldn't even bring myself to tough it out for the well being of my family. Instead I'm grabbing my stuff and heading back home like a lost child yearning for the safety of their home. I was so mad at myself for throwing in the towel and giving up. But I missed my family more than the feeling of self loathing that was burning inside me.
The sun peaked through the broken blinds and hit my eyes along with the empty spot on the ceiling that I was staring at all night. I got up, made the mattress on the floor, brushed my teeth and hair, and stared at the empty white walls that were my home for the past year. This room was just as abandoned and alone as I was this entire time.
I had breakfast with my uncle and we headed out to the bus station that would take me to the Tijuana airport. I watched the city stay behind me in the rearview mirror the same way I watched my mother stay behind me when I first came here, except this time my heart wasn't broken. It was numb, and tired, but not broken.
I said my thanks when we arrived at the station and I made my way onto the bus and closed my eyes. If I napped, the drive would be quicker, and I'd be home sooner. So I napped, and woke up in Tijuana. I made my way through the airport and waited to board. I boarded, and closed my eyes. Again, if I napped, the flight would be quicker, and I'd be home sooner. So I napped. Then I finally woke up in Guadalajara. It felt so strange. So familiar and foreign at the same time. I was closer though. Not close enough, but I was closer.
I grabbed my belongings, which consisted of a backpack, and a suitcase that I fished out of my neighbors trash can. The wheels didn't work well, but it carried my stuff and that was good enough for me. Again, I made my way to the bus station and got on the last bus that would take me home. One last time, I closed my eyes. When I opened them I was home. I stood in the town square for what seemed like an eternity while I tried to assimilate the past year. Then I made my way home. I walked the streets I had walked millions of times before and they felt so different to me now. I passed the temple I had passed a million times before, and it looked so estranged to me now. Then I stood there. In front of the home that raised me. I felt odd standing there and being here again. Could I really come back after leaving the way I left a year ago? My mother didn't even know I was coming back. I didn't tell her because I didn't know how. I guess I was also afraid she wouldn't want me back. But I was here, and the door was open. So I walked in.
"Mom?..." I called out in a quiet voice. I heard the dishes stop rustling. Whoever was there heard me, but wanted to make sure it was me. So I cleared my throat and called out again, "Mom? It's me. I'm back." The dish drops and the foot steps start making their way towards me.
"Pedro???" Asked the hopeful yet scared voice. Hopeful that it was actually me, scared that it wouldn't be me. A knot formed in my throat. Is this what she'd been doing every time she heard a voice similar to mine? Why did I do this to her? Then I saw her. For the first time in a year. She was right in front of me. She looked the same, but still somehow looked older than when I last saw her. All those sleepless nights I caused her. "Oh honey, you're here," She said in a shaky voice with tears in her eyes. "You're back." She ran to me and hugged me tightly. As if she was afraid I wasn't here to stay.
"I'm back mom. I'm not going anywhere." I said holding back the tears so she didn't cry more than she already was. We hugged for what seemed an eternity and I could tell that my mom was scared to let go. Scared to see me walk away again, so I held on until she let go first. Then I went to my room to leave my stuff. The house looked the same way it did when I left. It was so comforting to see that nothing changed here while I was gone. I felt so at home. A feeling I hadn't felt in a long time. Then I smelled my favorite dish, and I started crying. I let out what I held in for so long, and let myself feel what I've been avoiding for so long.
My mom came into my room and didn't say a single thing. She sat there and let me cry. When I finally finished we went into the living room and she stopped me before heading into the kitchen.
"We got something and I want you to see it." My sister said as she made her way into the living room.
My mom smiled softly, "I just want to make sure you don't ever have another reason to leave again" she said as she motioned my sister towards the closed cabinet. Veronica walked towards the cabinet and opened the doors. My heart swelled up with emotion. Sitting there, right in the center, was a stereo. The one my dad and I saw that one day we went to town. I couldn't believe what I was looking at. "We managed to save up some money to buy one for when you finally came back."
"There's on more thing!" My sister exclaimed and she ran into my moms room, and immediately ran towards me. Her eyes were watering thins time. "We couldn't get the stereo without getting this." She said and handed a CD case to me. I stared at her. "Mom said to leave it closed and unopened so that you could be the one to open it and play it for the first time."
I turned the case around and felt a tight knot in my chest. It was the CD with my dads favorite song on it. I stared at it for a while before looking over at my mom and sister. Then I finally opened the case, took out the disc, and slowly walked to the stereo. I opened the compartment and gently placed the disc in it and pressed play. There was a pause at the beginning before the song started, and for those first couple of seconds I held my breath. Then the melody came out, followed by the lyrics, and I felt all the weight of the world lift from my shoulders.
I stared at the stereo for a few seconds before turning to my mom. "Uh, is dinner ready? I haven't eaten all day." I said in a quiet voice.
She looked up at me and smiled softly, "Your plate is at the table waiting for you. It's been there waiting for you this entire time." So we mad our way to the kitchen and left the music playing. I entered the kitchen and I paused. My plate was placed at my dads place. The one place at the table where only he sat. "Well?" My mom said, "Your food is going to get cold." I looked at her, and nodded.
"Yes ma'am." I said quietly and listened to the lively melody that was now engulfing the house, filling the air with my fathers presence through his favorite song. When I left a year ago, the only sound in this house was my mother crying for me to stay. Now the house was filled with the music we so patiently longed for. I had never felt so at home in my life.
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