The Radio

 May 1st, 1988. That's when it all started. It was a little past 5 in the morning and I could feel the hot and humid, thick air sticking to my body. I was still groggy but the faint sobbing was clearer than any dream I could ever have or imagine. I slowly sit up on my bed and decide if I'm ready to face what I can feel has happened deep in my gut. Without a second thought I make my way to my parents room. I can feel the cold from the tile hit the soles of my feet and make its way up my spine in a tingly manner. I shiver it off before quietly placing my hand on the gold doorknob and slowly turning it to open the door. 

You see, my dad has been battling cancer for a few years now. I want to say I was about 14 years old when he first got diagnosed with it. I'll be 17 in exactly 20 days, so in a selfish kind of way, losing my dad isn't exactly the ideal birthday present. I know he always told me to face life head on and to never be scared, because it's life right? You never really know what's going to happen. But, between you and me, I'm really scared right now. I'm scared because what if I'm not ready to be the man of the house? What if everything I do goes wrong? What if I can't live up to my father and mothers expectations? I'm the second oldest male in the family. My older brother is married and living in the states right now so it's my turn to uphold the family name in a way. I'm just not sure I'm ready to do that. What if I can't do it right? Who will I turn to when I need some guidance? In the middle of my doubts and thoughts, I catch my breath and convince my hand to turn the door knob. My mother is sitting at the edge of the bed silently crying as I make my way towards her. I look at my fathers face as I lightly place my hand on my mothers shoulder. He looks like he's sleeping so peacefully, but based off the crying and how his chest hasn't risen in the 46 seconds I've been in the room, my guess is he won't be waking up again. The pit in my stomach starts to grow as the realization of what is happening settles in on me. The day I knew was coming, yet dreaded, was here and my father was gone. 

The days came and went. The funeral and burial happened so fast that I wasn't able to even process the week after my fathers death. I continued the days as I would have if my dad were still here. Wake up at 4am, go work the cattle, come home for lunch, go back to work, come home for dinner, shower, go to bed, and repeat. I added staying up and staring at the ceiling, sometimes outside at the sky. Mexico is beautiful, I love it here. I was born and raised here for 16 years. It'll be 17 in a week. Sometimes when it rains, I sit outside and just sit there with my eyes closed. I focus on the smell of the rain and wet dirt. I feel the cool breeze wash over my body and listen to the faint rustling of the grass around me accompanied by the crickets serenading the quiet night. I think about the drastic turn that my life took in the past two weeks. I think about the conversation I had with my mother this morning. She cried to me asking what we were going to do, but I knew she meant what am I going to do? I'm the oldest male in the house so I'm the head of the house now. I have to take care of my sisters, brothers, and mother. Again, I'm 17, how can a kid be a man in a week? Yet here I am, sitting in the rain at 2 am, thinking about what I have to do in order to make sure I can provide for my family. 

Another 2 weeks pass and we're coming up on a month since my dad passed away. I've been talking to friends that have crossed over to the states and from what I heard it went well for them. They managed to work a lot, save up a good amount of money and come back and take care of a lot of things. Some even got some awesome bikes and cool radios. Most importantly, they were able to send money over here to help out with family expenses. This option really got me thinking. For the rest of the day I thought about what my chances of success would be on the other side of the big fence.

I sat with the idea for about a week and a half before I decided to finally talk to my mom about it. It was a Sunday, we had just gotten out of 6 am mass and were having alight breakfast when I brought it up. 

"Hey mom, I want to talk to you about something." I say as I slowly look up at her. She looks so tired and seems to have aged about 10 years in the past month and a half. She looks up at me and I immediately notice the dark circles around her eyes. She hasn't been sleeping much but she refuses to acknowledge that she needs to rest. 

"What is it honey?" she asks in a fake cheery tone. 

"So I've been talking to my friends, and well to people" I start as I look back down at my coffee and sweet bread. Why am I so nervous all of a sudden? "and well, they all said that I should test my luck up in the states. That there's a lot of jobs right now, and the dollar exchange value -" 

"No." She cuts me off. "We can manage just fine here. You don't need to worry about going over there. Everything you need we can have right here." She says in a short and cold tone. She gets up from the chair and walks over to our stone sink. 

"Mom, I don't need an answer right now, think about it. That's all I'm asking." I say confused at her answer.

"I said no. I don't need to think about anything. My husband is gone and the last thing I need is my son risking his life out in the middle of a desert." I heard her voice crack as she replied to me in a stern tone. I stay quiet for a minute and decide to end the conversation in that instant. 

"Okay, fine. I'm sorry I brought it up. I just thought it would help for me to go work and send money over to help out with whatever I could." I say as I look up and see her staring at me.

She sighs and in a quiet voice replies, "I understand that this is a huge change for you. I don't want to hear about this ever again. So many people leave and don't even make it past the border alive. I don't want to have to bury my son as well. We can manage here just fine." I nod my head in defeat as I walk towards her and hug her for what seems to be an eternity. I slowly let go and let her get back to the dishes while I make my way back to the living room and sit down on our worn out couch. I take in the scenery before me as I hear my mom lightly humming in the background. 

The room somehow seems dimmer today. I look at the beige walls covered in religious portraits and crucifixes. Not a single picture of my father or my siblings. I look down at the pale pistachio green couch on sitting on and I notice, for the first time, how worn out it actually is. I slowly turned to the loveseat where my dad always sat and suddenly it looked so empty and big. As if anybody could sit in it and not even fill up half of the space on that cushion. My eyes eventually make their way up to the empty table, against the main wall, that was meant for the radio my dad and I always talked about getting. I'm talking about a good radio. I big nice one that would be so loud that the entire block would be able to listen to whatever was playing. For a room that's meant for living, it was very lifeless. 

As the week progressed I couldn't stop thinking about the life that lingered on the other side of the border. I grew anxious and impatient to ease the financial burden that kept growing on my family. It was just me and my younger brothers now, but they were still in school, or at least they pretended to be. So technically it was just me now doing all the work that my father and I normally did. Needless to say, Half of what was normally produced with our farming was barely being met. I could feel the tension growing with every passing day in the house as my mother pushed herself to make and sell dairy products in order to keep a stable income coming. After a long week of constantly thinking about the talk I had with my mom, and then seeing what life was slowly turning into, I made up my mind, I was going to cross over and work so I could help support the family. I know my mom is going to be upset but if my dad was still here, and he knew it was what needed to be done he would understand, and that's what I had to keep reminding myself. 

It was a Saturday morning when I went over to my friends house to seek some guidance. The air was cool and it had rained the night prior so the roads still smelled damp and like dirt. Javier was sitting outside his house drinking coffee when I showed up. "Hey man! What are you doing out here so early?" He said with a beaming smile. He was a nice guy, He was tall, medium built and tan. His hair had been recently cut because the last time I saw him his hair was almost at the tip of his eyebrow, but it was a short buzzcut now. 

"Nothing much," I reply nervously, not knowing how to initiate the conversation. "I uh, I wanted to talk to you about something and ask you some things." I manage to say. 

"Yeah of course! What's up? Are you in trouble?" He asks, evidently I'm not doing a good job at disguising my nervousness. "Hey, I'm sorry about your dad too," He continues, "I wasn't here when that happened. How are you guys holding up? Is there anything I can help you guys out with?" I subtly look around me and ask if we can go inside to talk. He agrees and we make our way into his house which I immediately notice is in way better shape than it was when I last came inside. They repainted, upholstered the furniture, bought a new dining table that fits everybody, and he had a new radio. "What's going on? Is everything okay?" He asks, breaking my silent observations.

"Before I bring up what I uh, well, what I want to talk to about, you have to promise me that you won't mention this to anybody. My mom can't find out." I say in a hushed voice.

Javier looks at me concerned, "You're starting to worry me man. Are you in trouble?"

"No, nothing like that." I reply, "I just, well I know that you just got back from the states, and I want to go. Its  just that..." 

"That your mom doesn't want you to go huh?" Javier says, finishing my sentence. 

"Yeah. She says it's risky and not worth it. So I wanted to talk to you about it and see if you could help me find a guy that'll cross me over so I can work and send money back here." I say as I watch him quietly sip his coffee.

"Listen, she's not wrong man. Crossing over is hard and it's definitely risky, but if you can line up some work, and find someone to take you in or somewhere to stay then I think it's worth it. I'll give you my guys number, and if anything, don't say nothing, but I was thinking about going back again once the cropping season is over so I can save up some money to keep us afloat while we start back up with farming. So we can always leave together unless you're in a hurry to leave soon." He says and he hands me a cup of coffee and some sweet bread. We continue to talk about the topic and we agree not to disclose this conversation to neither of our parents. We also agree to leave together in mid July so we can work through the end of the year and be back in time for the next farming season. That's enough time for me save up some money for the crossing, call my uncles to see if anyone can help me out, and not tell my mom, and let me live with them. I'm scared. I'm just as scared as I was when I walked to my moms room to see my dads lifeless body laying in their bed. But just how that had to happen eventually, so did this. I just had to keep my mind focused for this next month. Work hard, save money, get the radio my dad and I always wanted, come back home. 

The following month surprisingly went by quickly. In between setting up a place to live, sorting the plan out with Javier, and saving up money to leave for my mom while I was gone and to pay el coyote, I hardly even felt the time pass by. All I had left to figure out was how I was going to leave. What was I going to tell my mom? I could always tell her I would be gone for the weekend with some friends, then call her once I reached the other side, but I didn't want to lie to her. I couldn't bear the thought of losing her trust or breaking her heart over the phone. I sat on that thought for the rest of the day, in fact, I didn't even sleep that night thinking about what I was going to do or how I was going to tell my mom what I had already set in motion. Before I knew it, the sun was up and I still felt as confused and lost as I did the morning before. 

The week before my departure finally arrived and I decided it was best to be honest with my mom upfront and tell her what I was going to do. I had to meet the guy at 2pm in Guadalajara to take a bus to Tijuana, so I decided to leave the backpack I was allowed to take with me with Javier and to tell my mom during breakfast before I left. Was it the best plan? No. Was it the best I could come up with because I knew that if I told her days in advance she would find a way to stop me? Yes. 

We were meeting Friday, that way we could be in Tijuana by Saturday morning, and cross over during the night and hopefully be in Santa Ana California by Sunday late morning or Afternoon with my uncle. He agreed to let the both of us live with him and his wife in their two bedroom apartment. That being said, Thursday would be my last full day with my mom for a while and she didn't even know it. The other thing on my mind, how was I going to tell her? Do I casually drop the news on her in the middle of breakfast? Do I slowly bring it up? Do I tell her before I head out the door and get into Javier's truck? I groan and rub the side of my temples, being a man is so hard. "Why'd you have to leave so soon dad? I wasn't ready for all of this, you knew that." I mumble to the empty white ceiling over my bed. 

Thursday came sooner than I thought it would I had an odd mixture of emotions going through me all day. I was anxious, scared, excited, but mostly I was sad and worried. I had never been so far away from my home and family before. I was worried that my mom would be so upset that it would physically affect her. I did my best to have a regular day with her and spend as much time as I could with her before I left tomorrow. I think she suspected something because she mentioned how helpful I was acting at lunch. "What's going on with you today?" She asked while we ate at the table. "Why are you lingering around me so much?" She put her fork down and stared at me.

"Nothing. I can't hang out with you when I have nothing to do or what?" I say while I chew. Yikes, that was a little snappy, even for me. 

"No, I'm just saying," She says as she refills my cup, my sisters, and then hers. "You're never like this." 

"Well, if you want me to leave you alone then just say so." I mumble, I feel a knot growing in my throat knowing she isn't aware that this is my last lunch with her and my siblings for a few months. 

She smiles at me and places her hand on mine, "I'm not complaining, it's nice to feel close to you again. Ever since your father passed away, you've seemed so distant. It feels nice to have you around again." 

"Can you take me to the city on Saturday?" My sister interrupts, "My friends are having a party on Sunday after the noon mass and my shirts are all worn out or too small on me." She looks at me and does that annoying little mouth thing she does when she begs for something. I'm really going to miss that. 

"Yeah, sure. I just have to go do some stuff for the lands and the crops in the morning." I say as I look over to her. 

"Yay!!!! Mom, can I have some money? I only have like 50 pesos." She says quietly.

My mom looks hesitantly at her, then at me and says "Uhm, yeah. Let me see how much we have and how much I can give you. We haven't received the money from the crops yet... When are we getting that by the way?" She looks at me.

"Today! I was going to go right now after I finished eating. They're giving them out earlier this year because it was such a good season for everyone." I feel so bad for lying to her. I'm getting the money early because I was able to talk the man into giving it to me early because of what had happened with my dad. Luckily they were good friends so he helped me out with that small favor. 

"Oh thank goodness!! I can get some meat and make your favorite for dinner tomorrow!" My mom exclaims happily. I feel my stomach drop as the reality sets in. My family really has no clue that I won't be showing up for dinner tomorrow and that I won't be able to take my sister shopping the day after that. The least I could do is get one of our cousins to take her, right? I can't completely bail on her. I finish my plate, kiss my mom goodbye and make my way to my dads truck so I could go pick up the crop money. 

I was able to get a solid $75k for the entire season. Thankfully that was a good amount, that way I could take about $10k for the crossing and my mom wouldn't ask any questions because that's what the average amount always was. I separate the amounts and make my way back home. I took in the scenery for the last time on my way home. I notice every green tree, the clear blue sky, the gravel roads. I see the kids that are playing on the side walks and, on the opposite side of the sidewalk, I see another kid selling candy so he can take money home to his family. He can't be more than 8 years old. His pants and shirt are all torn up and his sweater is so thin I doubt that it even keeps him slightly warm when it gets cold. I pull over and give him $50 pesos and the smile on his face makes my day. I keep thinking about that little kid as I get home. Was that a sign that I'm making the right decision? I don't know, all I know is that I'm hoping it is. 

It's Friday morning and I can smell breakfast from my room. It's 8 am. To be honest, I didn't sleep much but I haven't left my bed because I still don't know how I'm going to tell my mom that I'll be on my way to Tijuana tonight and hopefully in California in two days. I manage to drag my body to the bathroom and I brush my teeth. I stare at my reflection with a pit in my stomach, "Be a man." I mutter to myself. I finally find the will to make my way to the kitchen and everyone is already at the table. We eat and talk, we drink our coffees and once the table is cleared I sit in front of my mom. 

"So I was thinking that today we could go to town and have lunch there, then get groceries and have dinner here tonight! We can go when you take your sister shopping." My mom says.

"Yeah, that sounds good!" Everyone agrees. 

"Uhm, I can't go." I say quietly. 

Everyone looks confused. "What do you mean? You said you would take me!" My sister starts. 

"Is everything okay?" asks my mother looking concerned.

"I don't necessarily know how to say this in a way that you'll be okay with," I start.

"Honey, you're worrying me, what's going on?" My mother interrupts. 

"I'm going up north." I say cut and short as I look up at my mothers upset face.

She stares at me for a minute before she speaks. "We already talked about this. You're not going to do that."

"I am though. I leave today, I just didn't want to leave without telling you. You deserve to know where I'm going." I say. I can see the tears gathering in her eyes and I can't tell if she's scared, upset, mad, or distressed. Probably all of the above. 

"You are not going anywhere near that border! I already told you that your place is here with us!" She screams. 

I feel a knot in my throat but I swallow it down to reply to her. "Mom, I'm leaving with Javier. He's waiting for me outside. I'm not asking you to be okay with my decision. I'm telling you this so you can be aware of what's going on. I love you guys. This is why I'm doing this. To take care of you guys. I have to go now." I get up and start walking towards the door.

"Come back here! You're not going anywhere!!" She yells as she follows me to the door. Javier is at the door and our bags are in his cousins truck. My mom runs to the door as I get on the truck. "What did you tell him?! Why are you talking my little boy? He's still a boy! He doesn't know what the real world is like!!" She yells at Javier. He looks at me as I stare out the window.

"This is exactly how my mom got. She'll be fine man." He quietly says to me. I can hear my mom trying to open the doors and it's taking everything in me to not get off the truck and stay with her.

"Can we go?" I quietly ask him. 

"Are you sure? If you think it's better to stay here it's okay man." Javier says. I know he's worried for my mom. I am too. This is what I have to do though. I knew it was going to be hard. I look at the rearview mirror and see my distraught mother and sisters behind the truck. The neighbors have heard the commotion by now and are starting to come outside to see what's going on.

"Javier, please. Let's go. It's getting late." I mutter. Javier hesitates and starts the truck, he takes one last look at my mom and starts driving. I can hear my mom calling out my name, begging me to stop the car. The knot in my throat kept growing and I was fighting the tears back. "If you want to cry, you can." Javier tells me. "I cried the first time. It was super hard to leave my mom." He looks at me and puts his hand on my shoulder. "It's going to be okay man. You just have to keep telling yourself that this is for the wellbeing of your family." I nod my head and turn around one last time before we leave the street where my house is on. There I see that last image of my mom. Standing in the middle of the street, tears running down her face, drawing a cross in the air and sending me her blessing. I feel my heart break as the image of my mother gets smaller while the distance between us gets bigger. 

We get on the open road and drive towards Guadalajara. I roll down the window and finally breathe easily. I looked up at the green scenery that was guiding us to our destination. I look at Javier and say "Thanks for everything man." 

"Yo, that's what friends are for man." He replies as he looks back at me. "We're really sad, man. Put on some music." I laughed and reached for the tuner on the car radio, and as a sign from the universe that everything was going to be okay, my dad's favorite song started coming out of the speakers. "Take care of me dad. I'm still trying to figure out this whole being a man thing." I softly murmur to the sky.