I can't remember how it all started. It's all a blur, if I'm being honest. When I close my eyes I catch smudges of the memories left behind from that day. Yet, I can't manage to put the pieces together. Not in a way that seems to fit together and make sense anyway. I keep running the scenario through my head. Day by day, night by night, minute after minute. Wake up. Brush teeth. Shower. Do hair. Go down stairs, say hi to mom and dad, and have birthday breakfast pancakes. Go back upstairs and do my makeup. Pick an outfit. Black top because it makes my green eyes stand out. Danny loves my green eyes. He says looking at them is like staring at a deep sea of emerald. He's so cute. Wait, ugh, focus Karla. Black top, black boots, distressed jeans. Check Danny's location. He's almost at the house, and those dumb butterflies in my stomach make their arrival. How does he still make me feel this way? He's here, I go downstairs and say bye to my parents. The clock says it's 2:30pm, right on the dot. As usual, he's on time. I get in his car and we drive to my favourite Ice cream place. It's a 45 minute drive from my house, so we have quite a ride to go. 20 minutes into the drive my head starts to hurt, but then again I only had breakfast. God, the light is blinding me, and suddenly the radio is way too loud for me. I shut my eyes in hope that the darkness of my shut eyes will get rid of the headache. I shouldn't have done that. I relive the routine as if my life depended on it, because in a way, it kind of did. I say kind of because my parents are currently putting the best law team together in order to save my forgetful ass. This is fucking insane man. I can't wrap my head around it. One minute I'm getting out my boyfriends car to go get ice cream, and the next thing I know; I'm in hand-cuffs, getting read my Miranda rights, and getting charged with possible 1st degree murder. Happy 16th birthday to me right?
If I'm being honest, this isn't something that hasn't happened before. The blackouts, I mean, not the possible murder. Ever since I was little, I would get these random blackouts, I would literally be missing time. I started documenting my days, sort of like a diary if you will. Then, I would look back through my entries at the end of every month, and somehow I would have missing gaps of times throughout the days. I never paid much attention to it, yet my parents mentioned that I was a rather odd child. I would go hours staring at walls, or sitting in the middle of the yard, and sometimes; as I got older, I would wander off and not remember any of these events happening.
"Hey there," The husky voice snaps me back into reality.
"We're going to need you to come into the interrogation room with us."
I follow the tall, broad shouldered detective with my eyes as he makes his way to my cell and opens up the door. The holding cell is small, cold, and bland. The cell sink looks so dirty and gross along with the make shift steal toilet that's provided for us. I can't imagine that the interrogation room is any better, but at this point, anything is better than this cement hole.
I turn back to the detective that's leading me back to the interrogation room, and of course, me being a girl, I can't help but notice how attractive he is. He looks like he could be no taller than 6'3, maybe 6'4. He has thick dirty blonde hair and piercing Hazel eyes that, by the way, are practically staring into my soul. Hmm, tall, handsome, pretty eyes, nice smile. What's a guy like you working in a place like this?
"So here's the thing Karla."
His deep, yet gentle voice snaps me back into my current situation. Wow, I didn't even notice the entire walk here.
"You were the last person to see Danny. Last person to be with him. Last person to talk to him, and only person at the crime scene. Yet, you don't remember anything past 30 minutes into the drive, and you're saying you would never do anything to hurt him. Do you see the dilemma here?"
"There's literally no way I was the last person see or be with Danny" I reply. "I can't remember anything. So how do I know I'm not being set up?"
"Well, we have witnesses Karla." I stare in an unknown emotion. Am I scared? Am I shocked? Am I angry? I don't know what I feel or should be feeling right now.
"As you know," he continues, "we live in a relatively small town. Ten thousand people give or take, to be exact. You're the only person in this town with that deep emerald shade colour of eyes." Ugh, these damn eyes. Can't ever get away with or do anything when you're the only person in town with unique eyes or whatever.
"That being said," he says as he stares at my eyes that happen to be staring back at him, "when people described you as 'the girl with the deep emerald eyes', we had a hunch it was you." He picks up his folder with pictures from the crime scene, information, and all the details regarding the case. I can't help myself, and before I can stop myself I reach out to the detective.
"Can I see the photos?"
He stares at me, and in a monotone, almost hushed voice, he replies "uhm, if you really don't remember anything from earlier today, I don't think you should see these." I anxiously gulp down the dryness in my throat. Do I want to see what happened? Maybe it'll jog my memory or help me remember anything that I could have witnessed.
"I have to see them." I reply, the fear can be heard in my voice almost miles away. " If they can somehow bring back any memories or help me be able to help you with what happened, I need to see them."
He stares at me, looks up the bland, white clock on the wall, then looks back at me. "How about you, uh, sleep on it, and then tomorrow, when you're more stable, if you still want to see them, you can."
I get escorted back to my cell for the night, and sit on the hard bed as I watch the cell door close and lock me away from my parents. I take a look around the lifeless cement walls and feel my heart get heavy. I miss my room so much. The soft grey walls and the one red accent wall behind my bed. I close my eyes and try to imagine every detail of my room. Maybe, just maybe, if I imagine it well enough, I'll feel as if I was in my room, and then this whole situation could be more bearable. I start off with the entrance, and imagine myself softly touching the red frame of my door. My room isn't too big, however, it's not super small either. I like to think it as the right size for me. My mattress is on a simple bed frame in the middle of my room, and the navy blue, plush comforter is calling my name. I can almost feel the warm wood on my bare feet as I make my way over to my bed, and I start counting my pillows. I've always been a pillow fanatic, so it drives my mom insane that my whole bed is practically covered in pillows.
One, two, three, four, black plush accent pillows right behind my stuffed dumbo. Behind that rome I have two big grey cushion pillows. Then we have the two big Red accent pillows, and finally, four memory foam pillows that I actually sleep on.
I imagine myself laying on my bed and staring at my ceiling that, by the way, is covered in the glow in the dark stars my dad put up for me when I was 5. He made it a point to arrange the big dipper for me right over my head. I slowly turn to my right and I see my white desk under my windows. I see my lava lamp, my laptop, school books, and a couple reading books. Turn to the left and I have my closet. Gosh I really need to clean that thing. Well, I hope I can, at least. I keep my eyes closed and I chuckle to myself. This is so insane. It's crazy that I can physically feel like I'm in my room even though I'm, well, here.
I sit up and stare at the dull wall in front of me. "What if... no, I can't. Could I?" I wonder to myself. I mean, if it worked with my room, would I be able to think hard enough and remember anything? I mean, it's worth a try right? Well, alright then. I take a deep breath, lay down, and close my eyes. "Here goes nothing" I say to myself.
I go back to this morning. Relive my daily routine up until it's time for me to go with Danny. I go to the door when I hear the doorbell ring, and sure enough, Danny is standing there smiling from ear to ear. I take a good look at him and giggle, he's so cute. He has super fluffy brown hair, and his eyes are almost a caramel colour. His skin is a soft olive undertone tan, and his braces give him the right touch for his wholesome son/nerd aesthetic. He's tall, but the again I'm a whopping 5'4, so almost everybody is taller than me. Danny, however, stands at an even 6 feet. As I mentally retrace my steps, I realise that I didn't even notice that we were unknowingly matching. He had a black flannel over a dark grey t-shit, distressed jeans, and black converse. How did I over look this? I can feel my chest getting heavy. You know that feeling when you can actually feel your heart getting heavy and in a way expanding but not in a good way? Yeah, just like that. I could feel my eyes getting watery and my breathing grew rapid. "Calm down", I tell myself. I need to do this, I need to go back and find the time I'm missing. I need to do this for Danny, he deserves it.
I manage to calm down and get back to where I left off. I get into his car and I can feel the warm leather seat beneath me. I focus and I can smell his cologne all over the car, he obviously sprayed it on before he came to my door. I chuckle at this thought. His cologne smells like musk with a hint of lavender, masculine yet still soft. The perfect scent for his personality. I love him so much. Okay, Okay, keep going. What else is going on? We pull out of the driveway and "Have faith in me" by A Day To Remember starts playing. We turn it up and start loudly signing a long to it. Our windows are all the way down and it literally feels like a scene straight out of a Rom-Com. The next song plays, Green Day, Basket case. We turn it down and start talking about our week and I mention that my headaches are now a daily thing. He starts to tells me that I should see a doctor about it, maybe get some head scans. That's when I feel it happening. Another headache, but this is one of the bad ones.
I can feel the pressure start at the bottom left of my jaw and slowly spread to my right side. I clench my teeth in hopes that this somewhat helps me feel better, but the pressure starts to slowly make its way to my temples. I can feel the intense throbbing just above my ears and I have to shut my eyes in order to somehow manage the pain. I can hear Danny trying to talk to me along with the car driving faster than it was just minutes ago.
"Karla, babe, drink some water and take some deep breaths. We're almost there, then we can get you some help!"
I hear him say this but he sounds far away. I'm aware that he's sitting right next to me, but he sounds like he's miles away. What the hell is going on??
I force myself to concentrate harder on what I was feeling, maybe the answer is there. I take more deep breaths and focus on the pressure I was feeling.
I can feel myself getting light headed, but I'm trying to stay as stable as possible. I open my eyes and my eyesight is a mixture of blurry and double vision. It's almost as if I'm aware of what I'm seeing but at the same time I'm not. I can't explain it, but its scary and I go into panic mode. I feel the car stop and I can hear a very distant Danny tell me to stay calm while he calls 911. I clench my jaw again and feel my right arm slam into something and grab something. I can feel it, but I'm not sure it's me. At this point I don't feel like I'm in control of myself. I feel my legs walking and again, I can hear a very distant Danny yelling at me. I can hear the panic in his voice.
"Babe! Sit down! You're bleeding a lot, the ambulance is on the way. Just hold on!"
His voice gets clearer and I can sense I'm getting closer to him.
"Karla, calm down, you're going to hurt yourself more." I can feel myself getting closer to him, I can smell his cologne. "Karla, Karla! Stop!"
My hand feel warm but I can feel something cold, wet, and sharp in my hand. Did I get something jabbed in my hand when I hit it?
"Babe, okay, calm down, what are you doing???"
Thats the last thing I remember him saying. All I can feel is my hand getting warmer and the damn throbbing in my head won't go away. I sit down on what I can feel is concrete and I can feel Danny sitting next to me. I tell him to hold my hand while the ambulance gets here, he doesn't reply. He might be on the phone with them. The pain is getting sharper when I hear the distant ambulance siren and I smile.
"Danny, they're coming. I'm so sorry I ruined our date. I'll make it up to you when they help me. I promise." He doesn't reply.
I hear a distant scream. It's a woman's voice, but I don't recognise it.
"SOMEBODY! CALL 911!"
"No! It's okay, my boyfriend already called them! They're on their way! Right Danny??"
I turn to his direction next to me, but I can't see anything. I can't open my eyes because of the pain, but I can feel him next to me. Why isn't he replying to me? Is he mad at me? I try to open my eyes and I can make out the shadow of my hands, I can see that I have some sort of liquid on them, but I can't tell what it is. I can feel my eyes wide open, but I still can't make out the liquid on my hands.
The ambulance arrives and I hear two distant voices along with the ambulance siren.
"Danny! Danny! They're here! Tell them about my headaches!" No Reply.
"Oh shit." I hear on of the voices say, "We're going to need cops here. Get the boy, the girl can wait."
"Wait, whats going on?" I say, "What happened to Danny??" I feel them walking away. A few minutes later I hear cop sirens and a pair of hands picks me up. I still can't fully feel my body, and the headache is getting worse by the minute.
"Where's Danny?? What happened to him?" I ask to the person carrying me.
"That's what we need you to tell us missy." The stern voice answers me. Then it all goes black. A few hours later I wake up and I'm in a holding cell being read my miranda rights.
I open my eyes and sit up on the cell bed after mentally tracing my steps. My breathing is ragged as I find the will to look down at my right hand. I have it wrapped in a bandaid. I slowly start to take it off. Once it's fully removed, I take off the gauze and stare at the deep cut that takes up the whole width of my hand. Tears fill my eyes and my heart races as I realise what happened during those 90 minutes I was missing.
It was me.
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