Dear me.

 Every one always asks, "if you could go back in time and talk to yourself at this certain age, what would you tell them?" I've never had an answer to that question in all honesty. I never thought about it long enough to even fully understand the question in it's entirety. Maybe it's because you can't actually go back in time and do that. Or maybe it's because I like to think that everything that happens to us is meant to happen to us. Whether it be to teach us something, make us stronger, or tear us down a little bit. Also, what would change if you could go back and talk to yourself at a certain age? Would you be okay with changing the outcomes of certain situations thus changing your current life style? However, if I absolutely did have to go talk to myself at certain ages, I would have different things to say to myself along the way. 

To 12 year old me; I would strongly advice to be a little more assertive. This the primal age to start building a foundation on how you let people treat you. Be upfront about how you want to be treated and what you would like in your life. Yes, this includes your parents. I don't care if you have to make a 20 day long power point presentation, show them why you HAVE to take those acting classes and why you HAVE to spend as much time as you can at theatre camps/clubs. Don't let those mean kids get under your skin. Middle school already sucks, you don't need these annoying a-holes making it worse for you. P.s., your parents are going to drop the bomb on you that you're moving to Mexico right after middle school. That being said, make friends and keep in touch with them so that when you come back, because you will, you don't feel like you're starting all over again. Lastly, it wasn't your fault, you didn't play a role in his decision, and I know you're going to consistently ask yourself if there was anything you could've done to avoid this situation. There wasn't. It was his decision. I won't go into detail, but you know what I'm talking about. Just know, you were a good friend when he needed you to be, you where there when he needed someone, you didn't do anything wrong to push him over the edge.

To 15-16 year old me; don't let peoples opinions get the best of you. Also, are you seriously still not being assertive? Sign up for the theatre class you really want to take but you're pretending not to like because all of the people you surround yourself with make fun of the theatre kids. Who even cares man, teenagers suck anyways, do what makes you happy. This is the part that kinda sucks though; please leave him. Block him. Never talk to him again. He's not that cute anyways. He's so mean to you and you know who I'm talking about. Him being that jealous over everything doesn't mean he cares about you okay. Also, no. You don't HAVE to do anything because you're his girlfriend. I don't care what his friends are already doing or not, and neither should you. If it makes you feel shitty don't do it. Please leave him. Its gonna suck even more when court day comes and the judge tells you "well nobody got hurt, and there's no reason to ruin this young mans future." It's really gonna suck. So please, leave him and save yourself the years of self doubt and trauma that come with that situation. Oh also, the guy after him, he's cheating on you with your cousin so block him too. Just, please, focus on your grades, school, theatre interests and leave boys alone. One last thing, I know ages 13-16 have been horrible. I know they pretty much messed up your perception of what the world and self love is like. However, abusing harmful substances is only going to make it worse. Don't do it, stay away from it. It'll only mess you up emotionally and mentally more than these past 3 years already have. It's not worth it. 

To 18-20 year old me; Major in theatre the way you actually want to. Med-School isn't for you, it's going to bring so much unnecessary stress and frustration. Yes, you have the ability to go through with the program, but you know very well that your heart isn't fully set in this career path. I promise, mom and dad are going to be 100% supportive. They love you and at the end of the day, they just want you to be happy. That's all they care about, I promise. Join clubs and manage your time better for extra-curricular activities. Don't isolate yourself, it's only going to make socializing harder than it already is for you. Have fun, go out, make friends, and don't micromanage every aspect of your life. You're still young and you have your whole life ahead of you. It's funny that I'm telling you this because I'm currently 23 so I still don't have it all together yet. Nonetheless, stressing about every minimal thing is only going to deteriorate your overall health more. 

To present day me; It's okay to not have it all figured out yet. Like you said previously, you have so much time to slowly pull yourself together and figure out your life and how to fulfill your life plans. You consistently pick yourself apart and tear yourself down because life isn't going your way. Well newsflash, you and almost every other 23 year old is feeling the same way. Stop comparing your life path to the path of others. This isn't a race, this is literally your life, and you're going at the pace that you're meant to be going at. Be kinder to yourself, how do you expect anyone to treat you with genuine kindness and love if you can't that to yourself? Give yourself the love and care you deserve. Protect your heart and keep your intentions pure. Above all, treat yourself and live your life the way you would if you knew that everyday you wake up, would be your last. No matter how tough it gets, don't throw in the towel my dear. You have 9 kids that look forward to hanging out with you even on their bad days. Although a biological connection isn't there, that emotional connection is there. Pull the good out of every bad or average situation and hold on to. The world is scary, it really is. They weren't lying when they said the world is huge and scary and overwhelming. Yet, it gets easier when you hold on to the good and remind yourself that in the midst of so much hate, there's still so much love. Above all, keep your loved ones close and stay true to yourself. The day will come when all the pieces come together, and you'll be so glad you're able to fully enjoy every aspect of your life at that point. 

I can't wait to see the type of person you turn into. I know you always ask yourself, "what will my contribution be to this world? What will I be remembered for? Will I leave behind a legacy?" Well, I know you're capable of so many great things. Just keep persevering, working hard, and never lose your faith. I'm so excited to see what your contribution to this world will be. Whatever it is, I know you'll put your heart into it and it will somehow make a difference. I believe in you. I love you. You got this.